The Real Reason You Feel Stuck = Shame.
- Hannah Parkinson
- Jan 20
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 30
(And how to loosen its grip)
There’s a specific kind of stuck that doesn’t respond to “just try harder.”
Not with another planner.
Not with another routine.
Not with “Right. Monday. New me.” (We’ve all lied to ourselves.)
Because I used to think I needed to “fix myself” to feel happy. You know - better habits, better mindset, better routine, better everything.
But the thing that was actually blocking me wasn’t discipline.
It was shame.
The quiet, background kind. The whisper that makes you feel like you’re always slightly failing at being a human.
And the annoying part? We’re surrounded by things that feed it:
The milestones you’re “supposed” to hit by a certain age
The pressure to be nice but not a pushover
Ambitious but not too ambitious
Put together but not “too much”
All of that conditioning isn’t harmless noise. It quietly bakes shame into your system.
What shame sounds like (even when no one says it out loud)
Shame tells you:
“You’re behind.”
“You’re not enough yet.”
“You must have done something wrong.”
“You’re too much and not enough at the same time.”
No one actually says this to your face (usually), but the pressure still builds. It makes you feel like something’s wrong with you - or like you missed an imaginary deadline everyone else seemed to know about except you.
And that pressure becomes shame, and shame… messes with everything.
Why shame makes you feel stuck
Shame doesn't just make you feel bad - it disconnects you from yourself.
It makes you second-guess everything.
It makes you perform instead of just… be.
And when you’re in that headspace, you can’t hear what you actually want, and you can’t feel what’s right for you, because you’re too busy trying to be the “right” kind of person for everyone else.
This is why people feel lost or stuck.
It’s not a motivation issue - it's shame blocking your connection to yourself.
And without that connection, clarity stays out of reach.
Before you know it, you’re looping in the same shame cycle.
Where shame hides (the sneaky places)
Shame isn’t always a dramatic “I hate myself” moment. It’s often subtle and socially acceptable (which is… horrifying, honestly).
Here are a few common hiding spots:
1. “I’ll do it when I’m ready.”
Sometimes this is wisdom. Sometimes it’s shame in a trench coat - delaying your life until you feel “good enough.”
2. Comparison disguised as “inspiration”
If you leave someone’s content feeling smaller, behind, or panicky… that’s shame getting poked at, not inspiration.
3. Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t just high standards. It’s the fear of being seen as "not enough".
So you keep editing your life instead of living it.
4. People-pleasing
When your default setting is “be easy to love,” shame is usually driving the car.
5. “I just need to fix myself first”
Classic. And it keeps you in the waiting room forever.
You’re not stuck because you’re incapable...
You’re stuck because you’re trying to move forward while carrying a belief that you’re not allowed to exist as you are.
The hopeful bit: shame loosens when expectations loosen
When you start letting go of expectations (even tiny ones), you stop holding yourself against timelines that don’t belong to you, and you stop comparing your life to people who aren’t even on the same path.
That's what starts to shift things, because suddenly there's... space.
Space to like yourself as you are.
Space to trust that you’re not “late".
Space to stop pretending you have to be perfect before you’re allowed to be at peace.
This is when life starts to make sense:
not when you’ve ticked every box - but when you realise you’re allowed to make up your own damn checklist.
3 Reframes to Loosen Shame’s Grip:
These are simple, but don’t confuse simple with “won’t change your life.”
Reframe 1: “I’m not behind - I’m on my timeline.”
If you’re measuring yourself against a cultural script, you’ll always feel late. Your life isn’t a race - it’s a path, and you’re the only one walking yours.
Reframe 2: “Stuck isn’t a personality trait - it’s a nervous system state.”
When your body doesn’t feel safe, you don’t move. You freeze, overthink, scroll, procrastinate, and call it “lack of motivation.”
Shame often keeps your system in threat mode.
Reframe 3: “I’m not failing... I’m carrying something I was never taught to put down.”
This is the one that changes everything.
If you feel like you’re failing at something you can’t even name, you’re not failing. You’re carrying shame, pressure, and expectations that were handed to you… And then you were told to deal with them silently.
A gentle challenge (because you’re not here to stay small)
Pick one expectation to drop this week. Just one.
Try this prompt: Whose timeline am I secretly trying to meet?
And before you “figure it out,” do one regulating thing:
go for a short walk
take a shower
breathe slowly for 2 minutes
put your hand on your chest and soften your jaw
Clarity comes after safety, not before.
Try this prompt: What am I punishing myself for… that doesn’t actually make me a bad person?
And one more time (for those at the back):
Stop should-ing your way through your mornings.
Stop forcing your pace to match someone else’s.
Stop waiting to feel confident before you start.
Stop treating rest like it has to be earned.
Your next step isn’t more pressure... It’s more safety.
If shame is running your life in the background, let’s turn the volume down.
If you’re reading this thinking, “Yep… this is literally me,” you’re not alone. I’ve been there; the shrinking, the stuckness, the confusion, the feeling like you’re failing at something you can’t even explain.
If you want support getting to the root of what’s weighing you down:
(We work through the stuff you don’t say out loud and bring you back to clarity.)
(if you want to talk it through first)
Your clarity isn’t gone…
it’s just buried under the pressure to be someone else’s version of good enough.
And we’re not doing that anymore.
A quick note from me…
Hello,
I’m Hannah, a holistic empowerment coach and Reiki Master. I write about energy, healing, and the real-life stuff that comes with becoming the version of you who actually feels safe in her own body.
If you’d like support, you can explore my sessions and offerings below.
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